In my late teens something happened that at the time I had no words to describe. I was gripped by deep despair accompanied by a self-consciousness that would eventually manifest as facial numbness. I had no way to make sense of what was happening to me, all I knew was that I felt broken. It was as if I had been plunged into the dark depths of a well where I was destined to rot and die. The self-consciousness I felt was debilitating and I sought refuge in alcohol, mind-altering substances, and food. My body felt like foreign territory to me, and my mind was a constant flow of fearful and self-loathing thoughts. I began to isolate myself from others and would spend my time crying, over-eating and essentially numbing myself against my own suffering.
One day, I was invited along to an AA meeting as a support for a friend. I had no idea why, but I went. The person up front invited the audience members to share. Surprised and shocked I raised my hand, and my body began to move to the front of the room. I stood there bewildered, somewhat frozen and said: “Hi, my name is Lindsey, I am not an alcoholic, but I love you all so much”. Tears ran down my cheeks as I looked out at the motley mix of broken humans, I felt such love and belonging. It was as if my brokenness was being reflected in their faces and something was cracked open.
Later that same evening I would meet Sailor Bob, and he invited me along to a meeting, this was not an AA meeting but more like Satsang. I went along unsure what to expect and I listened to what Bob had to say. Each word was like an arrow that pierced the very heart of my being. Somehow, I understood what he said to be true, there was no doubt. I experienced an inner joy and freedom that I did not believe was possible. I spent a lot of time with Bob over the next few years, driving to meetings three times a week often in a deep state of despair and hopelessness. I would feel like I ‘got it’ only to lose it again and be plunged back in to the dark well of my suffering mind. I seemed to be walking between worlds of dark and light, guided by a wisdom of heart that would eventually lead to my own unravelling.
I moved to Germany in my early twenties, where I would marry and birth my daughter Lilian. After some years we moved to India where I lived for three-years. In India I met Kamal, my next guide and teacher. During our first meeting together, she asked me to go to the mirror, to look into my eyes and say: ‘I love you’.
Instead of love, unworthiness stared back at me, and that is where our work together began. Kamal taught me Reiki, but more importantly she offered her loving and tender presence, held my hand, and shone a bright light for me to begin to sort and reclaim the disowned neglected parts of myself that lived in the shadows. Eventually I left India along with my marriage, and together with my young daughter travelled across the Nullarbor Desert to a small town called Denmark in the south-west region of Western Australia where we would live for the next few years.
Denmark opened me up to the healing power of community and was filled with a unique mix of artists, musicians, dancers, poets, and seekers, who invited connection and inspired expression. Here, on forty-acres of land I got in touch with the profound rage and anger I felt inside. I discovered I could literally dance the self-consciousness I felt, and by doing so it would free the bound-up knots of energy that lived inside. Through direct experience, I learned that feelings and emotions had no real substance to them and became a source of suffering when resisted, and a path to freedom when expressed. Movement, connection to the earth and ocean, and the sub-personality work that spontaneously took place at night when I was alone, became valuable resources to help digest the stale and useless conditioning that had held this loving creative heart captive.
From Denmark we would move to Boulder, Colorado where we both attended school. The Seven Bowls School of Nutrition, Nourishment and Healing was a three-year training program in the art and mechanics of healing. I studied Allopathic, Oriental and Ayurvedic disciplines in depth, I learned how to prepare flower essences and grow food. I explored plant spirit medicine, authentic movement, and so much more. This program was like a de-conditioning and a re-learning of how to love, care and listen to the wisdom of the body. I went on to work as an Integrative Clinical Nutritionist in private practice and would offer community classes on using food as medicine. I started to offer a service to postpartum mothers, where I would create and deliver nourishing foods in the early weeks after birth. Random conversations and meetings with midwives started to happen, and a friend spontaneously handed me the book ‘Spiritual Midwifery’. So, the stirring began, and after a year of dreaming, and almost ten years in Boulder my daughter and I would travel to Australia where I would begin a four-year journey to study nursing and midwifery.
A deep and abiding trust in the wisdom of life’s unfolding lives here now. The darkness has become my friend, and a warm place to rest.
My body has become an intelligent creature that responds to love and care. My mind belongs to presence and the natural unfolding of the heart. It is from this open heart that I am called to be of service to walk with others as guide and companion on this miraculous journey home.
“I know and love Lindsey as a dear friend for about 30 years now. She was a young, troubled girl once, reaching out for help. We talked and talked, and she was open to hear what was being said. Her openness to life's guidance took her way around the world and taught her amazing skills. With mental and emotional clarity that is shining through her - she is a precious jewel and a powerful, compassionate mentor or guide for those, who are willing to look deeply and find ultimate answers to health and well-being. We are friends for life, she is visiting me every time she is in Melbourne and the student/teacher relationship that we once had, has now transformed to understanding that we are not only equal but one in essence. She has the capacity to get through to others, who are in need of assistance, and she does so willingly. When Lindsey speaks at the meetings now, everyone becomes an ear and loves the life-examples she shares to illustrate the point. Apart from being brilliantly articulate and gentle, she is also very direct, very clear and straight forward. I cannot recommend her enough, blessed and truly lucky are those whom Life directs to her.”
SAILOR BOB ADAMSON, MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA, 2020